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I'm a student, so I get to have a couple sets of New Years' resolutions instead of just one go of it in January. For me, a new year is about to start next month. I need to give these goals a little attention during the coming days:

Following through. I say a thing, but often don't do it. Many things I say I want to do turn out to be really just me trying on an idea. Raising a flag to see who salutes it, if you will. Consistent with a female stereotype handed down from Anglo-Saxon times, I don't give my word enough weight. I would like my word to be more binding. It would be a more accurate reflection of the power I earnestly believe our words are vested with.

Speaking up. I'm a Christian who believes I have nothing to lose in this world. So when I'm in class or in front of one, I want to be more willing to take risks to be true to myself without regard to others or the compulsorily normate world. I will not fit in, even if I try and try and worry it constantly; I'm better off embracing the freedom in that every day. I don't need to be afraid to offend someone or lose someone's esteem. There are plenty of people who will both willfully understand and misunderstand me no matter what. I will not hesitate.

Reading ahead. I need to keep ahead of my classwork because surprises happen. 80 freshman composition papers happen 4 times a semester. And I'm a slow reader who pronounces every word in my head and lets it echo around in its own space for a second--its a long, laborious process. Also, if I'm ahead of things a bit, I'll be better able to read other things I need to be reading outside of classwork to help me stay alive inside.

Sleeping well. When I don't sleep enough, it steals my joy. My quality of work declines, or, I should say, drops off completely. I also can't respond as well to the people around me, and, in my line of work/study, I need to be able to give an answer for myself/my faith at any time. Worst of all, if I don't sleep well, I feel stupid in class and hesitate to speak up. As much as I love stayng up all night (so much!), I feel I generally make better decisions about how to use my waking time when I'm well rested.

Moving it. I'm a bit of an intense person. I have a lot of nervous energy (see fingernails), and I find I deal so much better when I just take 20 minutes out of my day to run down the road aways. It doesn't have to be a production like yoga for an hour or getting all ready and swimming at the rec. A bit of moderate exercise helps keep my head (and butt) clutter free.

And, as always, growing out my nails. I enjoy them so much long.




joni mitchell "river"

You hear of writers experiencing a "flurry" that produces a masterpiece. Coleridge, Frost, Dylan. You can name plenty off the top of your head. They get in that flurry and, in ten minutes, sit down and gush out a masterpiece that alters audiences' entire lives. They trust the gush.

And many's the time I've had to trust the gush.

But what about those of us who write because the alternative is silence? Some people write because they find themselves otherwise faced with confining, congesting quiet. And the best we can do is to say something instead. We may comment, complain, mutter, gossip, whine, chatter, speak simply to give ourselves an alternative to voicelessness. Idle musing becomes our last desperate attempt to control our environment.


dave brubeck "take five"

I have swallowed
the syrup
that was in the
tupperware

and which
I was sposed to be
saving for
lemonade

Forgive me
it was nutritious
so sugary
and so thick


6-23-09

For His shadow to abide under when anxiety takes me. For His secret place I retreat into to drink deeply and be made new. For His fortress that stands when my bow is broken and there are holes shot in my faith. For His strength that finds me when someone mocks the unrecognized shape of my belief. For His work begun in me, this year carried another step closer to completion. For His workmanship, poems that surround and sustain me: such beautiful country and such wonderful friends.

You and me
And the mint leaves
None for the rest of us!